Month: January 2013

Why I don’t discuss theology much

Christianity

As a pastor I love studying God’s Word.  I love it when after years I still stumble across new insights or things fall into place in a way that I never quite saw before.  If you’ve read the Bible for years you’ve probably noticed how you can read the same passage but get something totally different from it each time you read it.

Unlike a lot of Christians, I enjoy studying theology.  What I don’t enjoy is arguing about it however.  There are some basic sets of framework that help us interpret all of the Bible.  The best known systems are Calvinism and Arminianism but there are also systems such as dispensationalism and covenant theology.

Systems are valuable if you need to explain your theology quickly and you can say that you’re a Calvinist as easily as you might say that you’re a Baptist.  Whomever you are speaking to can get a pretty quick idea of what you believe.

Outside of the quick need to sum up my beliefs, I hate using the labels.  To proclaim that I am a Calvinist or an Arminian will immediately put up a wall between me and about half of the people I speak or write to.  Many will immediately want to tell me why I am wrong and they are right.  I have no problem defending my beliefs and I feel quite secure in them.  My experience is that many people adamantly hold to beliefs that they don’t really understand themselves but instead have just been taught to believe.  They can repeat arguments that they’ve been given but they can’t actually explain why they believe what they believe.  So if it comes to a debate, I feel pretty good about getting into one.

My problem with arguing theology is that it is typically unproductive.  These issues become divisive within Christian circles.  Unless it is a debate over how one is actually saved, I don’t think that theology is good to be divided over.  Every so often I’ll get an email concerning one of my articles telling me why I’m wrong or what I’ve missed.  For the record, I get more emails in agreement that someone likes my approach to theology.  But the people who disagree are more vocal.

Those who disagree with my understanding of the Bible and wish to provide me with the “right” answer are unlikely to listen to reasoned arguments anyway; they’ve already made up their mind.  People who are actually open to a discussion are unlikely to email me and instead they will do more research on the subject.

For clarity’s sake, I should mention that when I’m talking about theology here I’m talking about what might be termed systematic theology.  There are important social issues that divide the church – homosexuality, poverty, abortion, etc. – that are worth fighting over.  Not to downplay the importance of good theology but ultimately it doesn’t matter if you are a Calvinist or Arminian.  On the other hand, it makes a big difference in life concerning what you believe about poverty or abortion.

Theology is important because it helps us read and understand the entire Bible.  It colors the way we interpret many different passages.  I encourage everyone to study theology and determine not only what they believe but, more importantly, why they believe it.  Debating it with an attempt to change someone’s mind is probably going to be unproductive but you should at least be able to explain why you believe it.

What Should I Do About An Unbelieving Spouse?

Dating, Love, & Marriage

1 Corinthian 7:12-16

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Analysis

In 2 Corinthians 6:14 Paul clearly states that a believer should not marry an unbeliever.  “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”  However there are often times when a person becomes a believer after marriage and the spouse does not share the newfound faith.  This is the situation that Paul addresses in 1 Corinthians 7.

A believer should continue in marriage with an unbeliever as long as the unbeliever desires to remain married.  A Christian should not initiate a divorce.  Even though there may be difficult circumstances, a Christian is still a witness to their spouse as long as they are married.

Likewise, the children of the family are sanctified by the believing parent.  This does not mean that they are saved because they have a parent who is a Christian.  Instead it means that they are exposed to Christianity and have a greater chance of becoming a Christian because of the influence of the parent.

If the unbelieving spouse wants a divorce, the Christian should let them go.  This does not mean that everything possible shouldn’t be done to first save the marriage.  The reconciliation of a husband and wife is always the first goal.

After every resource has been used to save a marriage and an unbelieving spouse still wants to leave, the Christian should let them leave without the guilt of divorce upon them.  They have no control over the decision of an unbelieving spouse.  Likewise, they should not remain in the marriage because of the chance to witness to their spouse.  While this was a viable reason when the spouse wanted to stay, it is not a reason to maintain the marriage.  As Paul says, there is no way to know if a person will lead their spouse to the Lord.

As to whether a believing spouse can and should get remarried, this is a much more difficult question that will be discussed in the article, “Should I Get Remarried?“

Should I Get Remarried?

Dating, Love, & Marriage

The answer to the question “Should I get remarried?” is even more complicated than the issue to divorce.  A lot of it comes down to how a person ended up single again.  Even then however there are a lot of gaps in what is spelled out in the Bible.

Paul simplified the issue with advice that is not to be taken as a command in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9.

“Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

Simply put, life is easier as a single person.  However there are more temptations as a single person and if a person cannot control themselves, they should get married.  Of course the implication is that they must control themselves once they are married then.

Widows are free to remarry when their spouse passes away.  Paul makes this clear in 1 Corinthians 7:39.  “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.”

The issue of remarriage gets complicated once divorce is involved.  There are a few things that are clear from scripture.  A person who initiated a divorce should not get remarried with the exception of marital unfaithfulness.  See “Is Infidelity Grounds for Divorce?” for more information about marital unfaithfulness.

In 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 Paul writes, “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.”  Paul does not give the reason a person should not get remarried after initiating the divorce but Jesus does.  In Matthew 19:9 Jesus says, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”  If a person doesn’t like the words of Paul, the words of Jesus are even more hard hitting and difficult to ignore.

But what about when a spouse leaves?  Is a divorcee an adulterer if they get remarried?  The issue becomes even more difficult with fewer specifics spelled out.  Jesus addresses this issue in Matthew 5:32.  “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”

A Christian should not married a person who has been divorced.  Many would argue that there are exceptions to Jesus’ statement but He offers none here or anywhere else.  Because Jesus uses the words wife and divorced woman, it is clear that he is speaking of marrying someone who did not initiate the divorce and is instead a victim of it.

A victim of divorce is perhaps the best way to depict a person whose spouse has left them.  Jesus says that a person who divorces causes their spouse to become an adulterer.  A person is not an adulterer by virtue of becoming divorced.  It would appear that Jesus is making the assumption that most divorced people will get remarried.  To get remarried would cause the divorcee to become an adulterer.  However, from Jesus’ statement it appears as if the guilt of adultery rests upon the one who initiated the divorce because he or she has caused their spouse to become this.  That being said, a divorced person is responsible for their own actions and even though they are a victim of divorce, they are not forced to get remarried.

There is an exception offered as a legitimate reason for divorce.  If a spouse is unfaithful a divorce is allowed.  From the wording of Jesus’ statement it would appear that getting divorced and remarried as a result of marital unfaithfulness is allowed.  The guilt of adultery rests with the spouse who broke the marriage vows.

There is another category of divorcee that is discussed in “What Should I Do About an Unbelieving Spouse?”  In 1 Corinthians 7:15 Paul writes, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”  A believer is not bound to remain married to an unbeliever, if the unbeliever initiates the divorce.

What we have left is an argument from silence.  The divorce is allowed and the guilt rests on the unbeliever who initiated the divorce.  However there is nothing definitively said when a Christian can remarry after an unbelieving spouse divorces them.

The argument against remarrying is that Jesus only gave one exception to divorce and remarriage, marital unfaithfulness.  Because no other exceptions were made we can’t assume that this divorce means that a person can remarry.

The argument for remarriage is that the divorce was allowed.  Likewise, when Jesus spoke, He addressed a Jewish audience who would not have had marriages where one person was a believer and the spouse was not.  By Paul’s day there were many converts to Christianity and it was likely that many marriages had one spouse that had become a Christian and the other had not.  Jesus had no reason to include this exception but Paul did 25-30 years later as he addressed Christians in an entirely different situation than Jesus addressed Jews in.

This still leaves a lot that is open for interpretation.  About the only things that we can definitively say from scripture is that a widow or widower is free to get remarried.  On the flipside, a person who initiated a divorce should not get remarried or else they are guilty of adultery.

As for other situations, the advice of Paul rings loudest.  If a person can remain single and not be tempted, they are better off to do so.  If a person feels the need to become remarried they should let their conscience be their guide.  If they believe it is wrong to do so, they should refrain.  Only after much prayer and consultation should a victim of divorce consider remarrying.

Analysis of Matthew 19:1-12

Dating, Love, & Marriage

1 When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. 2 Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. 3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

4″Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

7″Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

10 The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

11 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

Analysis

Jesus acknowledges that not everyone will be able to accept His teaching on divorce.  This does not make it an optional command and that people are excused from following it if they don’t like it.  Instead He is confirming that it exists and that people will continue to divorce because their hearts are hard.

At the time, a man could divorce his wife for any trivial reason, even something such as burning the toast.  Jesus explains that divorce is not God’s will but had been allowed in the law of Moses because of the hardness of people’s hearts.

There are a few lessons from what Jesus says and at least two from what He doesn’t say.  The first is that someone who initiates a divorce and then remarries is guilty of adultery.

The second lesson is a tricky exception to the rule of divorce.  The Greek word that is translated as marital unfaithfulness is porneia.  No one knows the exact meaning of this word although it is understood to be similar to fornication or adultery.  It is the root word where we get the word pornography.  Marital unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce according to Jesus, assuming that this is precisely what porneia means.

What is not said is if a person who has a legitimate reason for a divorce can then remarry.  This topic is discussed under “Is infidelity grounds for divorce?” and “Should I get remarried?”

While a person who initiates the divorce is told not to remarry because it is adultery, the fate of the divorcee is not mentioned.  Are they allowed to get remarried because they were not at fault for the divorce?  Jesus addresses this partly in Matthew 5:31-32 and it is discussed here under the topic “Should I get remarried?”

Other passages concerning divorce

Malachi 2:13-16

1 Corinthians 7:10-11, 39

Can My Marriage Be Saved?

Dating, Love, & Marriage

God wants all people to live in peace and harmony with one another.  Unfortunately when marital problems begin this peace and harmony is broken.

Christians should strive for peace in all of their relationships, not just in marriage.  This means that everything that can be done, should be done to save a marriage.

Even when a partner has hurt their spouse greatly and there appear to be grounds for a divorce such as adultery (see “Is infidelity grounds for a divorce?” for more information) reconciliation should still be the goal.

No matter what harm has been caused by a spouse, a person can repent and seek forgiveness.  God can save any marriage that both parties are interested in saving.  God can also work to turn the heart of a spouse who has lost interest in their marriage and work to bring the couple back to a renewed love.

The Bible gives us one instance where a marriage should be ended for the sake of peace and harmony.  1 Corinthians 7:12-16 lays out an instance where a spouse should be allowed to leave.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

In short, if one person is a Christian and the other is not, the Christian should not seek a divorce because they have some influence for good on their spouse and may yet lead them to the Lord.  But if that spouse desires to leave the marriage, they should not feel obligated to remain in the marriage because they are a witness to their spouse.  While this gives permission for a divorce to take place, it does not give permission to remarry.  It is simply in the interest of peace that a divorce is allowed.

Unfortunately there are many instances of Christian couples who are not living in harmony.  True Christians should do everything they can to save the marriage but often one person does not want to work things out.  If a person is acting like an unbeliever, treat them like an unbeliever.  If they refuse to seek the peace that God wants for the marriage, they are no better than an unbeliever.

Obviously this does not mean that the first time a spouse does not want to talk about marriage problems that they are acting as an unbeliever and should be allowed to walk away.  Only in cases where a person obviously is not walking with the Lord despite claiming to be a Christian should this be considered and even then they should be the one to initiate a divorce.

Analysis of Malachi 2:13-16

Dating, Love, & Marriage

13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

16 “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

Analysis

The first thing we should note about this passage is God’s attitude toward divorce.  He hates it.  It’s hard to state it any more clearly or bluntly.  However God does not say that He hates divorced people.  God looks upon divorce just as He looks upon other sins.

The Israelites’ relationship with God has been affected because of their divorces.  This is the same as any other sin.  Sin separates us from God.  It is the reason we need to have our sins washed away by the blood of Jesus Christ.  Without it, we have no hope of heaven because sin cannot enter into God’s presence.

Our daily sins affect our relationship with God though too.  Even after we are Christians we must daily ask for the forgiveness of our sins.  Jesus taught us this in the Lord’s prayer.  We don’t have to become “re-saved” we must seek the repair the relationship that we damaged.  It is no different than repairing a relationship with a friend that we wronged.  We must say we’re sorry to begin the healing process.

The Israelites’ sin that God points out is their divorce.  What God points out as the problem is that a divorce is the breaking of a covenant.  When two people are married, regardless of the vows made and whether it is in a church or not, they make a commitment to one another that is intended to last a lifetime.

Breaking a vow is the same as lying.  It is like looking God in the face and lying to Him.  God takes marriage vows seriously and so should we.  The breaking of marriage vows should not be taken lightly.  Like all sins, it will affect our relationship with God.

Other passages on divorce

Matthew 19:1-12

1 Corinthians 7:10-11, 39

Is Infidelity Grounds for Divorce?

Dating, Love, & Marriage

Matthew 19:9

“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

It appears that Jesus gives Biblical grounds for divorce in the event of marital unfaithfulness by a spouse.  Jesus was clarifying the law of Moses which allowed for divorce.  This was allowed as a concession because the people’s hearts were hard but Jesus makes it clear that they should not remarry.

What is marital unfaithfulness?  The Greek word is porneia.  It is where we get the English word pornography.  It appears 24 times in the New Testament.  In the King James version it is translated as fornication every time.  Other English translations in some way or other imply that it is sexual immorality that is taking place.  So marital unfaithfulness should best be understood as a sexual act outside of marriage.

Jesus never gives an explanation on why divorce is allowed in the event of marital unfaithfulness.  The simplest solution is that a person who has been unfaithful has already broken their marriage vow and therefore if their spouse divorces them they are not the one guilty of breaking the marriage vow.

Another explanation, although not without problems, concerns the penalty for those caught in adultery.  Leviticus 20:10 states “If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.”  If an adulterer is put to death then there is no problem divorcing or remarrying because a person is free to remarry after their spouse has died.

The first problem with this is a logical one.  If an adulterer is put to death, there would be no need to go through with a divorce unless it was symbolic.

The bigger problem is that this law was not practiced evenly if it all.  King David was not only an adulterer but a murderer and did not face death.  God actually instructed Hosea to marry a prostitute of all people.  And Jesus prevents the Pharisees from upholding the law in John 8 when they catch a woman in adultery.  Instead of judging her for her sin, He simply instructs her to go and sin no more.

Marital unfaithfulness may be grounds for divorce and it is certainly a sign of much deeper problems within a marriage.  This does not mean that the marriage can’t be salvaged however.  It is cause for a divorce but God still desires peace and harmony.  He also desires a repentant heart.  A person who has been unfaithful in their marriage deserves another chance if they are truly repentant.  King David committed awful sins but he was still considered a man after God’s own heart.

The truly difficult part of divorce and marital unfaithfulness is that we can never be certain of a person’s heart.  Only God knows a person’s heart for certain.  For a marriage to withstand a partner being unfaithful, it takes a tremendous amount of faith in a person’s ability to change and also in God to help that person and the marriage.

What if I was Divorced Before I Became a Christian?

Dating, Love, & Marriage

There are many people who become Christians after they were divorced.  Obviously some have also been remarried before they became Christians as well.

God forgives all sins and this includes any involving divorce and remarriage.  A person is a new creation when they become a Christian.  Ezekiel 36:26 says, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

As Christians we are called to repent of past sins and not repeat them.  This doesn’t mean that a person who is remarried and is guilty of adultery because of it should leave their current spouse.  But it does mean that a divorced person should remain single if they have not remarried.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:17-24:

17 Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18 Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. 20 Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him. 21 Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22 For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord’s freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ’s slave. 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. 24 Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.

There are numerous reasons for divorce.  In the article “Should I Get Remarried?” the times when remarriage is appropriate is discussed.  There are very few times that it is clear from scripture that remarriage is acceptable.  This applies to a person who was divorced before they became a Christian as well.

Even though the sins of the past are forgiven and a Christian is a new creation, there are still consequences of past actions.  This is no different from a prisoner who becomes a Christian.  Their crimes have been forgiven but they must still serve the sentence they have been handed.

We cannot change the actions of our past.  God has forgiven them and they are behind us.  But they are still a part of our history for better or worse.  We are responsible for our current actions however.  No matter what we may have done in the past, it is the decisions that we make today that matter most now.

This is why Paul tells the Corinthians to remain in the current situation.  All of 1 Corinthians 7 is about marriage which is why we know that Paul is addressing marriage in the passage above.  It is because the past is past that we should remain in our current situation.  We can’t change it no matter how much we may like to.  We are responsible for our actions now which is why we must make the best choices we can and to live for Christ.

A person who was divorced before they became a Christian has consequences of their past actions just as everyone who becomes a Christian must deal with consequences of their past actions.  A Christian must strive to not repeat sins of the past and instead strive to live their life according to the Word of God.

What Does God Say About Divorce?

Dating, Love, & Marriage

The word divorce only appears 33 times in the entire Bible but few topics are as controversial in the church.  The Bible discusses divorce in clear terms in the Old Testament, in the teachings of Jesus, and by the Apostle Paul.  Despite thorough instruction on divorce in the Bible, there are still some questions that people have.

Far more than a lack of knowledge concerning divorce is the problem of the emotional side of divorce.  Marriage is the closest personal relationship with family coming second.  Anytime divorce is discussed it raises intense personal feelings on the topic because it affects the two deepest personal relationships in life.  For this reason we will stick strictly to what the Bible says on the topic.

There are three main passages in the Bible that address the subject of divorce.  Malachi 2 addresses how divorce had affected the Israelite’s relationship with God.  Throughout the gospels Jesus addresses divorce and remarriage.  We’ll examine Matthew 19 as it contains all of Jesus’ teaching on the subject.

Finally Paul speaks on the subject of marriage in 1 Corinthians 7.  This is the most thorough examination of the rules of marriage in the Bible and ironically comes from a bachelor.  Nevertheless, Paul is writing with the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and his words should be considered as coming from God.

All three passages are looked at in more depth on the following pages.

Malachi 2:13-16

Matthew 19:1-12

1 Corinthians 7:10-11, 39

Should I Get Marriage Counseling?

Dating, Love, & Marriage

The short answer is that counseling can’t hurt even if a spouse will not go along.  Ideally both people will be willing to sit down and to discuss the problems of marriage.

There is a stigma about counseling to some people as it implies a weakness that a person cannot solve their own problems.  However, it is like a Christian who must acknowledge they can’t make it on their own and trust God to help them.  It takes more strength to admit that a marriage needs help than it does to ignore the problems and continue on in frustration.

Communication is a key to any good relationship and having an objective third party listen to each side’s frustrations can help a couple work through their problems.  Counseling can be avoided if a couple is open and honest about their feelings and if they discuss them regularly.  Many times however one person is more willing to talk than the other and that is when a third party is needed to draw out the feelings of both sides.

Many pastors have have some but limited training in counseling.  It is good to sit down with a pastor to discuss problems that are occurring.  These conversations should be kept completely confidential by the pastor.

Because pastor’s have limited time and limited training it is not uncommon to be referred to a professional marriage counselor.  This doesn’t mean that a couple’s problems are so great that they can only be handled by a professional.  It simply means that the pastor takes the marriage seriously and wants all of the needs addressed even if they are outside of his realm of expertise.

While marriage counselors abound, Christians should seek a Christian counselor.  There is often a lot of psychological advice given by other counselors that is not backed up by the Bible.  A good Christian counselor should stick to the Bible first a foremost and should strive for peace and harmony within a marriage.